25 Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort
by Dufrene Party of Two
Summary: The title says it all.
1. Chapter 1

**Note:** I've tried to remain original, however there maybe one or two repeats in other lists I haven't recognized.

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**25 Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort**

**1.** Suggest that a more suitable title for him would be 'The All Powerful Darkly Supreme Evil Lord Wrongdoer Pope-King' insisting that 'Lord' is far too common, and he's likely to be mistaken for someone else.

**2.** Come to one of his Death Eater meetings completely naked humming _I'm Henry the eighth I am,_ act as though you're looking for something, grab the nearest object and exit scratching your head muttering very audibly something about not knowing 'Shnookykins' was working that night.

**3.** Dress up as Albus Dumbledore for Halloween and insist on calling him 'Mr. Riddle' throughout the entire evening. Calmly ask him if he would like a licorice wand.

**4.** Whenever he accomplishes something, however small pipe in with, "Your mother would be so proud of you, this might even make up for the whole 'killing her by being born' thing!"

**5.** Throw a surprise party on his birthday (December 31st). Be sure to include a ridiculously oversized lopsided cake, streamers, confetti, balloons and hookers.

**6.** While ranting about his latest plans, light up a joint and put your feet up onto the table, then blow smoke in the face of the nearest Death Eater. Look back at him and offer him a hit.

**7.** Take charge of his lair, clean and primp the rooms to perfection and go into a fit of rage whenever he touches anything.

**8.** Offer to give him head when he's feeling down.

**9.** Make a drinking game revolving around him.

Chug When:

He mentions Harry Potter

He fails miserably… yet again

One of his Death Eaters is being an incompetent fool

ACT DRUNK AS HELL WHETHER OR NOT YOU ACTUALLY ARE.

**10.** Belt out Captain & Tennille's 'Love Will Keep Us Together' atrociously off key whenever there is an awkward silence.

**11.** Constantly quote Aesop, or any other philosopher. Make sure whatever you're quoting has absolutely no relevance to the conversation and is pointed directly towards him.

Use these most frequently:

"What a splendid head, yet no brain."

"The shaft of the arrow had been feathered with one of the eagle's own plumes. We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction."

"Any excuse will serve a tyrant."

"After all is said and done, more is said than done."

**12.** Make him special brownies. If you don't know what 'special brownies' are, ask your hippie hash smoking neighbor, and he'll be sure to fill you in.

**13.** Ask him to check for the bogeyman in your closet. When he says no, burst into tears and say that _Dumbledore_ would do it.

**14.** Read a book on mental illness, and then announce that you are now an omniscient master of the mind and diagnose Voldemort with the following: Attachment Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Encopresis ('fecal soiling'), Insomnia, Male Erectile Dysfunction, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Paranoid Personality Disorder. At the end, look up at him with a very serious expression and say: 'You're one fucked up mofo."

**15.** During a Death Eater meeting go in the room where all the coats are, and shit on the coats. _Inspired by Dane Cook_

**16.** Shove pictures of aborted fetuses in his face and urge him to take a side of either Pro-life or Pro-choice.

**17.** Whenever he goes off on a rampage and threatens to (or in fact does) kill someone say, "Looks like someone has sand up their vagina." _Inspired by Eric Cartman_

**18.** Buy a giant cross and a waterbottle. Whenever he comes near you, splash water into his face, hold up the cross and yell: "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIS COMPELS YOU!"

**19.** Buy him footy pajamas for Christmas.

**20.** Challenge him to a dance off.

**21.** Whenever he mentions a plan that could be potentially detrimental to his health, reply: "Don't cut off your nose to spite your face… oh wait."

**22.** Set up an account for him on Myspace, Facebook or both.

**23.** Slip LSD into one of his beverages.

**24.** Compare his attempts at killing Harry Potter ith Wil E Coyote's obsession with catching the Roadrunner. Laugh when he doesn't get it.

**25.** Get him a puppy.


	2. 15 More Ways To Annoy Lord Voldemort

**1****5 **_**More **_**Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort**

**1.** Whisper sweet nothings into his ear while he's sleeping.

**2.** Insist he has an alter ego entitled 'Cuddlemort.'

**3.** Set up hidden cameras in his bathroom and post the footage of his bowel movements on Youtube.

**4.** Constantly refer to him as your 'home-skillet-biscuit'.

**5.** Whenever he finishes a sentence ask him: "And how does that make you _feel_?"

**6.** When he botches yet another attempt at an evil deed reply in a smart alick voice: "Well I'm not one to point fingers but it appears _someone _didn't think this all the way through and his name rhymes Schmoldemort."

**7.** Ask him if he would be interested in 'natural male enhancement'. _Inspired by Bob from the Enzyte commercials_

**8.** Enchant all his mirrors to shatter whenever he looks into them.

**9.** Recount to him vivid sexual fantasies you had about him when he was 'attractive.'

**10.** Make his most recent defeat come alive through the art of puppet theatre. Make sure he has a high pitched girly voice.

**11.** Give him a fern symbolizing your mutual growing love of one another, then act extremely offended when he lets it die. _Inspired by How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days_

**12.** Ask him how he and Nagini's attempts to conceive a child are going.

**13.** Steal his wand and do naughty, pleasurable things with it.

**14.** Try to convert him to Mormonism.

**15.** Poke him with an unsteralized needle and infect him with HIV.


	3. Nicknames and Clichés

**Note:** Minor spoilers from Book 7, read onward if you dare… (though, I suppose most people have gotten around to reading the seventh book by now, thought I'd give everyone fair warning.

**40 Nicknames for Tom Marvolo Riddle/Lord Voldemort:**

So, our dear friend has banned his name from usage in order to 'rat out' traitors, conspirators and cocky bastards that would dare speak his name. So after this point I will no longer type the forbidden word 'Voldemort.'

Look above, that is the last time you will see this name. You may be asking yourself then, what do I call him? I, out of the kindness of my heart (and extensive boredom) have compiled a list of nicknames to which you may refer to if the need arises.

**Pre-Forbidden Word Nicknames:**

1. Tom Marvolo Riddle/ TMR

2. Tom Riddle Junior

3. 'Junior'

4. 'Riddle'

5. Tom

6. Tommy

7. Tommy-Boy

8. T-Bone

**Pretentious Nicknames:**

9. The Heir of Slytherin

10. 'Head Boy'

11. Lord/ My Lord

12. The Dark Lord

13. 'Master'

14. The All-Powerful Darkly Supreme Evil Lord Wrongdoer Pope-King

**Hyphen Nicknames:**

15. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

16. You-Know-Who

17. The-Man-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live

18. He-Whose-Name-Must-Be-Hyphenated

**Forbidden Word Nicknames:**

19. Lord V.

20. V.

21. V-Dawg

22. V-Man

23. Voldy/Voldie

24. Voldy-kins/Voldie-kins

25. Ickle Voldy-kins/Voldie-kins

26. Voldums

27. Schmoldemort

28. Cuddlemort

**Descriptive Nicknames:**

29. Snake Face

30. Ol' No Nose

**Casual Nicknames: **

31. Merope's kid

32. Evil Guy

33. That dude

34. Buddy/Pal/Chief

**Put Down Names: **

35. Lord Moldy Shorts

36. Baldy

37. Incompetent Fool

38. Halfie (In reference of course, to his half-blood heritage)

39. The Seventy Something Year Old Virgin

40. Stanley

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If for some reason this 'Forbidden Named' man takes offense to any of these titles, might I suggest handing him this shortened list from 'The Evil Overlord Devises a Plot' paper, found via the magic of Google and perhaps he will spare you for your ingenuity and insight… or perhaps not.

'**The Evil Overlord Devises a Plot':**

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No.".

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. **(Or two wands…)**

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block **(or basement)**, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has any offspring or younger siblings, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of letting them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. **(Ring any bells.)**

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. **(Dobby)**

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. **(Again, sounds familiar)**

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

60. My five-year-old advisor (see above) will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in less than 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life in the past. This is only reasonable, as it encourages others to do so. However, it's a one-time offer. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. **(Thinking back to the graveyard.)**

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence, then send the same group out to try the task again. **(The Malfoys)**

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled. **(The mirror in the basement…)**

103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. **(Yeah, you really should rethink those tattoos…)**

105. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. **(Again, the graveyard.)**

112. I will not rely on "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans. **(Or human sacrifice.)**

115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly unless all my soldiers are dead.

117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

121. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless. **(The Sorcerer's Stone)**

155. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends. **(Sirius)**

170. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion. **(Muggleborns)**

203. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache. **(Karkaroff)**

208. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good PR for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction. **(Pretty much all the Death Eaters)**

220. If I have a single vulnerability, I will fake a different one -- for example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and

86. If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.

94. If reputable prophecy dictates that I will be defeated or killed by a certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all it's worth, as long as I can, and meanwhile devote reasonable energy to a search for new prophecy that will get me out of the first one.

**Disclaimer: I own no rights to 'The Evil Overlord Devises a Plot', I just found it to be hilarious.  
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End file.
